bird in the house

I am an independent bad ass single mama who isn’t afraid of anything!!

Except when my son walked outside and casually said, mom there is a bird in the house.

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN THERE IS A BIRD IN THE HOUSE? Who the hell let a bird in the house?

My son was long gone so he didn’t hear any of this but I still felt the need to repeat myself 12 times.

And sure as shit when I walked in there, there was a very cute bird in the front sunroom throwing himself against the window trying to go home.

Charlie was frantically trying to help as he held up a slice of bread and did his best baby voice, come here little bird…

The teenager went back to his perch which was the couch and offered no help because as he reminded me, MOM the bird flew right by my ear! I could feel the wind from its wings! So basically he had already done his part and was finished for the day.

I tried to gently coax it out with a broom but it’s hard to be gentle when your child is screaming at you to BE GENTLE, DO NOT HURT IT! At one point I told him to get a hammer and then noticed his bottom lip begin to quiver so I had to back out of my request by telling him IT WAS A JOKE.

Four hours later we had the front door open and had blocked off the room so it had nowhere to go but OUT but it’s a bird so it was really committed to flying into the window which stressed Charlie out, annoyed me to no end, caused the dog to bark, and kept the teenager far away from the situation.

My neighbor was summoned by my son because he knew I was worthless. Also she’s a lesbian so we naturally assumed that one of us would be able to deal with this and since it wasn’t this lesbian it had to be that lesbian. She suggested I put it on NextDoor under the lost and found section and I said, are you fu**** kidding me right now? How much energy do you think I have for this situation? She won and I posted to NextDoor which led to people who don’t even own a bird voice their annoying opinions about what I should do! And as I suspected neither lesbian was able to remove the bird which meant I had to wait until my ex came to pick up the boys, wait for them to tell her about the bird and that I was unable to handle it and then hope she would just deal with it.

And sure as shit she showed up, walked in, looked at me, looked at the bird, looked at me, and then scooped up the bird and put it outside. All of this within 90 seconds of showing up.

I think the moral of the story is clear. Use a hammer when your kid isn’t looking and then pretend that the situation took care of itself.

JUST KIDDING!

About Debbie Scheer

Debbie Scheer is a humorist speaker in Denver and she is also an event emcee in Denver as well as across the country. She is also a professional speaker, humorist, emcee, and auctioneer whose mix of heart and humor brings inviting energy to every event she hosts. Her magnetic presence draws in audiences and makes a room come alive with purpose, connection, and laughter. If you are interested in hiring Debbie, please contact her today!

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